Thursday, April 26, 2012

How To Avoid Being Named As A Perpetrator of Sexual Assault- By Lisa B

  1. Do not have sex with unconscious people. Even if they were really into you before they passed out. WAKE THEM UP AND ASK THEM FIRST!
  2. You will be more aware of people’s boundaries – and your partners will be less likely to be unconscious (see number one) – if you are less drunk. So have less drunken sex. This will help with
  1. Observe your partner’s body language. If someone freezes up or holds their breath, they might be silently freaking out. Check in with them, and:
  2. Talk about sex. (We'll come back to this one.)
  3. If you have sex with women, be aware that many of us have been sexually assaulted before we’re out of our teens. If you’re thinking that you don’t know anyone who’s been raped by someone they trusted, now is a good time to start looking at why survivors in your life aren't more open with their stories.
  4. Remember this: no one owes you sex. If someone says No, don’t do it anyways. Even if you think they’ll like it. And do not try to argue your way to a Yes. At best, this positions you as That Pushy Asshole – not sexy. At worst, this is coercion, which segues to:
  5. Check your size and strength. If you are bigger and stronger than your partner, you are that much more likely to be physically intimidating. This doesn’t make you a rapist. This does give you specific power. We can’t remove power from the room; we can only be accountable to it.
  6. Do not assume that women cannot assault men, and stop expecting men to be hypersexual and perpetually ready.
  7. Do not assume that queers cannot assault other queers.
  8. Talk about consent. Consider what it means to you, and find out what it means to your lover. Talk. About. Sex. Talk about what you like and what scares you; tell someone beautiful what compels you. Be willing to have vulnerable sex.
This is hard. I’m not saying it isn’t. I’m saying it’s important. I’m saying that despite the daily grief in this my capacity for forgiveness might surprise you. I’m saying the last person to assault me didn’t mean to give me nightmares, I’m saying I think I understand the gap between my no and his failure to stop, I’m saying that he is not a monster – and – he has made my life a fuck of a lot more narrow than it should be. I’m saying that every single one of us fucks up. I’m saying I am past desperate for this to be openly spoken about. I’m saying that I’m ready for this conversation to heal us. I’m saying that I want this, this spring, more than anything.


  1. I've said it before, and will again: sexiest phrase in the English language is "are you sure you want this?"

    Thank you for writing and sharing this. It's important.

  2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.